


sick

by stantvxq



Category: iKON (Kpop)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-18 21:03:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8176013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stantvxq/pseuds/stantvxq
Summary: junhwe coughed up rose petals.nobody could find out.





	

**Author's Note:**

> picked the title at random cause i'm listening to got7 lol  
> lowercase on purpose!  
> not beta read  
> i luv hanahaki fics

junhwe didn’t know exactly  _ when _ it started. if he were to be honest, it probably happened over a long period of time.

he knew that it started as admiration. he knew, since the first day he ever saw jinhwan sing, since he first noticed how hard jinhwan worked to bring their group to debut, that he looked up to him.

he just didn’t know when that admiration became affection, or when that affection became a crush, or when that crush became love.

he shook his head. it didn’t matter now. the only thing that mattered was that he just coughed up a bright yellow rose petal. he stared at it, eyes wide and anxiety skyrocketing, before he cursed and shoved it in his pocket. nobody could find out.

+

he knew how this disease worked. it started with yellow, a warning. then came pink, red, and finally white. you didn’t want to see white, and most people opt to get the surgery once they started to see red. once you see white, it’s too late. he knew this. once you see white, it means you’re going to die. it didn’t matter if the person began to love you back, and it didn’t matter if you got the surgery. white meant you were going to die.

you don’t want to see white.

he knew this.

he didn’t want to get the surgery, though.

nobody could find out.

+

it was surprisingly easy, he discovered, to hide the yellow ones. they didn’t come too often, and when they did there was only one or two at a time. he told the members he had a bit of a cough, took the medicine they force-fed to him, and hid the petals in his pocket until he could discreetly flush them away.

the worst was when he coughed one up on stage. he didn’t want to risk spitting it into his hand, where thousands of fans and thousands of cameras could capture a glimpse of yellow before he managed to hide it away, so instead he forced himself to swallow it. it was disgusting, and it tasted like pollen, and it made him want to be sick.

+

two weeks later, while they were taking a (well deserved, in junhwe’s opinion) break from touring, he coughed up a single orange petal. he cursed, shoved it in his pocket, and stood up from where he had been laying on his bed. he was alone in the room, luckily, and he made it to the bathroom just in time to cough up more pink petals than he could hold.

they spilled all over the tile, and junhwe groaned at the thought of cleaning them all up without being in the bathroom long enough to be suspicious.

he dumped what he was holding, before crouching and trying to gather up the rest as quickly as he could.

he coughed up another five and cursed. he officially hated the colour pink.

he flushed the toilet, washed his hands and his face, just for good measure, and opened the door.

donghyuk was there. he jumped. “god, donghyuk,” he said. “you scared the shit out of me!”

donghyuk smiled. “sorry. i just...i heard you coughing, and stuff, and i wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“i’m okay,” junhwe nodded. “thanks for worrying about me. i’m kinda tired,” it was a lie; he was fucking exhausted, “so i’m just gonna go to bed. g’night.”

“night.” donghyuk stepped out of the doorway, smile still on his face, and junhwe walked back to his room. 

+

the pink petals, junhwe decided, were a problem. the yellow ones weren’t too bad; they didn’t come too often, and when they did, there was only one or two.

the pink ones, on the other hand, seemed to come every 10 minutes. and, on top of that, there was always at least five. it was getting difficult to hide them, and junhwe could only imagine what would happen once he reached the red stage.

+

it happened on a day like any other. junhwe was lying on the couch in their dorm, yunhyeong on the other end of the couch with junhwe’s legs in his lap, when junhwe felt a coughing fit coming. he made to stand up, but before he could even get off the couch, the coughing started.

he caught the petals he could, but  _ god, _ there were so many. too many. pink petals overflowed from his hands, dropping into his lap, and he heard yunhyeong whisper  _ “junhwe what the fuck.” _

he saw yunhyeong’s hand reach toward a stray petal and managed out, “don’t touch them,” in between his final weak coughs.

he dropped the pile from his hands into his lap, creating a large pile of pink. it felt like it was taunting him. he hated pink.

he looked at yunhyeong, whose eyes were wide and hand was dropped lamely on the couch cushion.

he repeated, “don’t touch them.”

“why?”

“you could get infected too.”

_ “infected?” _ yunhyeong was as good as screeching. junhwe sighed as he began collecting up the petals. at least they were all still pink.

“please be quiet, hyung,” he plead, “i really don’t want anyone else knowing. it’s embarrassing.”

“what  _ is _ it?” yunhyeong asked, voice thankfully quieter than it was before.

junhwe abandoned his petal collecting for a moment, looking yunhyeong in the eye as he replied, “please don’t tell anyone.” at yunhyeong’s nod, he took a deep breath and continued, “i- it’s called hanahaki disease. my cousin had it, and i caught it from her cause i was six years old, and i didn’t know any better, and i touched one of her petals.”

“that was so long ago, though, how did you…”

“it’s, uh. it lies dormant until something makes it act up. it’s embarrassing. i don’t really wanna talk about it. but, long story short, i cough up flower petals.” he was leaving out a lot of the explanation, he knew, but if yunhyeong knew junhwe was going to die, he would freak out. he didn’t need that to happen.

yunhyeong nodded once, twice, then looked at the pile of petals in junhwe’s hand and said, “you should get rid of those, then.”

“yes.” he stood up, petals in his hands, and made his way to the bathroom.

+

the next morning, at practice, yunhyeong kept messing up. junhwe knew it was because of him, and any time yunhyeong got scolded, junhwe felt guilty. he shouldn’t have said anything to the elder.

after yunhyeong missed a simple step for the nth time, hanbin called for a break. “i don’t know what’s got you so distracted,” he said, “but you’re bringing the team down, hyung. do whatever you have to to clear your head and come back in 10 minutes.”

yunhyeong nodded, looked to junhwe, and walked out the door of their practice room.

junhwe followed him out the door and into a quiet stairway, where yunhyeong pointed for him to sit down.

he did, and asked, “what’s wrong, hyung?”

yunhyeong ran a hand through his hair, pacing in front of the step where junhwe sat. “what’s wrong,” he replied, “is that i searched your disease last night.”

junhwe felt his stomach drop. “oh.”

“yes,  _ oh. _ why didn’t you tell me you could fucking  _ die _ , junhwe?”

“i didn’t want you to freak out, or stress over me, or tell the others.”

yunhyeong nodded, fake smile on his face. “yeah, well, plan fucking failed.”

“i didn’t expect you to look more into it.”

yunhyeong sighed, “of course i looked more into it, i care about you, junhwe. just like i care about everyone else in this goddamn group. we’re a family, okay?”

he nodded, “sorry, hyung.”

“it’s fine. i have a question, though.” he didn’t wait for junhwe to answer before he continued, “the site...it said that this is caused by, uh. by unrequited love.”

he knew this was coming. “yeah.”

“who is it?”

he smiled. “i can’t tell you. i’m sorry.”

yunhyeong sighed. “okay. that’s fine, i understand. i guess you don’t want the surgery either, then?”

junhwe stood up, shook his head, “definitely not.”

“well,” a nod, “i guess we’ll just have to get this person to love you back.”

junhwe opened the door leading out to the hallway with a laugh, “easier said than done, hyung, but thanks for your optimism.”

+

donghyuk found out three days later, when junhwe had another fit while donghyuk was in the shower. he and the others were all used to going in and out as they pleased while someone was showering, because they had no sense of personal space.

junhwe walked in the steamy bathroom, and donghyuk asked, “who is it?”

he coughed once, twice, three times, and donghyuk said, “oh, hey junhwe.” he stuck his head out from behind the curtain, shampoo still in his hair, and saw junhwe with a pile of rose petals in his hands. “uh, what are you doing? is this some weird prank?” junhwe shook his head, grimaced, and coughed up exactly six more petals into his hands.

he dropped the petals into the toilet, something he was doing much more often than he would like these days, and said, “i’ll explain everything later. enjoy your shower.” before he flushed the toilet, washed his hands, and left as quickly as he could.

yunhyeong was there when junhwe explained it to donghyuk, to  _ make sure you don’t lie this time, _ as he said. 

“so basically,” donghyuk said slowly, “you have a disease that will kill you if it’s not cured. and the only way to cure it is a surgery that you refuse,” junhwe nodded, “or...the person you love loving you back?”

“yes.”

“who do you love?”

“doesn’t matter.”

yunhyeong frowned, “but if we know, maybe we can help!”

junhwe smiled sadly, “i don’t think so. i’m a lost cause.”

“shouldn’t we at least tell hanbin-hyung?” donghyuk asked, “maybe he can help.”

“no. i don’t want to tell anyone.”

donghyuk sighed, “fine, fine. but i swear, if you choke on petals and pass out or something, i’m telling everyone.”

+

donghyuk’s words, unfortunately, meant nothing. the very next day, everyone found out when junhwe coughed up a strawberry-red petal in the middle of practice.

there was music playing, and they were in the middle of practicing a new choreography, when it happened. he coughed into his hand and, when he felt only a single petal, he looked at it to see a colour that was most  _ definitely _ not the bright pink he was accustomed to. he saw both yunhyeong and donghyuk look at him in the mirror as he said, “shit,” and dropped down to his knees.

the others stopped dancing, and hanbin paused the music. “are you okay, junhwe?” jinhwan asked. junhwe thought it was funny, that the reason he was sick in the first place was asking if he was okay. he coughed, arms wrapped around his stomach and bright red petals spilling onto the practice room floor. not that jinhwan knew it was funny, he thought as he continued to cough, but that didn’t matter.

red petals covered the area in front of him, and junhwe thought this colour was much worse than the pink. at least pink didn’t give him headaches. or maybe it was just the sheer amount of coughing he was doing that was causing his head to hurt. he wasn’t sure.

he heard yunhyeong warn everyone, “don’t touch them. he’ll be alright soon.”

and, as if on command, the coughing stopped. junhwe sighed, picked a single red petal off his tongue, and decided he had never seen that many red petals in one place in his entire life. he wasn’t sure if he ever wanted to, either.

he smiled, looked up at the shocked faces of his friends, and said, “well, i guess i should clean this up.”

“i think you should explain it, before you clean it,” hanbin told him.

he shook his head, “yunhyeong-hyung can do it.” he made to pick up his mess of petals, before realizing there was way too many for him to carry. “uh. just a second. nobody touch them.”

 

after searching the building until he was able to find a plastic bag to hold all his petals, junhwe returned to the practice room to see everyone sitting in a circle, far away from the mess, listening to yunhyeong explain that there was only four petal colours, and junhwe was already on the third. he feels eyes turn to him, but he ignored them in favour of focusing on picking up every single petal. he had no idea how he was going to flush them all, he was probably going to need to do it more than once. the thought made him sigh.

“how do you get rid of it?” jinhwan asked. junhwe smiled, not that anyone would see. even if they could, they wouldn’t know why. jinhwan asking such a question, not realizing he was the answer, made him laugh.

yunhyeong sighed, said, “hey. i didn’t tell them. you have to.”

he stood up, leaving the bag and the almost-finished pile of petals on the ground. he looked at the group of boys, all sitting in a circle together as if they were sharing scary stories around a campfire.

he said, “there’s a surgery, but i don’t want to get it. i don’t like the side effects. or, the person i love can love me back,” he shrugged, “that’s it. otherwise i’ll die.”

he turned back before he could see the members’ reactions. he quickly shoved the rest of the petals into his bag, and made his way out the practice room, towards the bathroom where he locked the door behind himself and tried not to cry. this fucking sucked, he decided.

+

the members walked on eggshells around him for the next four days, and it was making him restless. “guys,” he said one morning when everyone was sitting around the t.v, “i’m not some ticking time bomb.”

jiwon looked at him, confusion on his face, “what does that mean?”

“it means,” he sighed, “stop tip-toeing around me. just act like you always did. you guys are being really weird, i hate it.”

everyone looked down at their laps, and junhwe leaned back on the couch. “sorry,” hanbin mumbled.

he nodded.

 

that night, after the rest of the members had gone to bed, it was just he and jinhwan left in the main room. they were watching a movie, something junhwe had already seen five times and could probably recite from heart at this point. he looked away from the screen, to where jinhwan laid on the couch opposite him. “hyung,” he said quietly.

jinhwan looked at him, “yeah?”

he looked away, down to the floor where his eyes found patterns in the laminate. “i don’t want to die. i’m only twenty. i don’t…”

jinhwan was silent for a moment before he whispered, “junhwe…” junhwe looked up at him. “who...who is it? who do you love?” his face looked so sad, and it made junhwe feel bad. he didn’t want this. nobody was supposed to know.

he smiled sadly, “i can’t tell you.”

“why?”

“it’s...uh...it’s weird.”

jinhwan searched his face for a moment, “is it a guy?”

junhwe looked away again, “yeah. that’s not the weird thing, though. i just- it’s weird.”

jinhwan was silent again, thinking, before he whispered, “is it one of us?”

and junhwe couldn’t lie to jinhwan. he just couldn’t do it.

so he said nothing.

jinhwan said, “okay. that’s fine.”

“please don’t tell anyone.”

jinhwan nodded, “of course not. i hope he, whoever he is, i hope he ends up loving you back.”

junhwe smiled. “thanks, hyung.”

+

the next week passed without much difference. junhwe continued to cough petals, and his complexion was slowly but surely becoming paler, but for the most part everything was the same.

until, that is, on saturday night.

chanwoo had managed to convince him to join on a short walk to the convenience store. if he were honest, the fresh air was nice after a day of being inside. he wouldn’t admit that, though.

the two of them were quiet, until chanwoo said, “hyung, i have a question. please answer honestly.”

he nodded, “okay. go ahead.”

“i, uh. i overheard you talking with jinhwan-hyung.” junhwe froze. chanwoo stopped walking, but continued talking, “it’s him, isn’t it?”

junhwe looked at the younger. he wanted to lie, he wanted to so badly, but chanwoo already knew. he could tell. “how long have you known.”

chanwoo shuffled his feet, kicking a pebble that hit junhwe in the ankle. he ignored it. “i’ve known for...a while now. since i joined, probably.”

“god.”

“i’m sorry.”

junhwe waved his hand, “it’s fine. it’s not your fault, it’s not like you did anything wrong.” he sighed, “uh. what do you…think? about it?” he started walking again, in the direction of the store.

“i dunno,” chanwoo laughed quietly, “good luck, i guess.”

he nodded, “thanks.”

(they returned to the dorm with seven bags of chips, and junhwe didn’t look at jinhwan, while also trying not to make it obvious he wasn’t looking at jinhwan).

+

on monday night, he cried when one of the forty-six petals he coughed up had a white stripe on it. the stripe itself didn’t mean he was definitely going to die, and he still had time to reverse the disease, but it meant the white was coming soon. he cried as he coughed and he cried as he cursed and he cried when he flushed the pile away, and then he sat on the bathroom floor, leaning against the wall, and he cried some more.

jinhwan came in, asking what was wrong and wiping away junhwe’s slowing tears. he felt like a loser. he said, “there was a white stripe on one of them. i’m going to see white soon.” 

he sniffled. 

jinhwan pulled him into a hug.

with jinhwan’s arms wrapped around him, and his head on jinhwan’s shoulder, he whispered, “i don’t want to die.”

+

tuesday morning, junhwe coughed up one pink petal and nothing else. he whispered,  _ “what the fuck,” _ as he flushed the petal.

+

on wednesday, during lunch, he coughed up a yellow petal. he looked at the thing in his hand, said, “god, this doesn’t make any sense,” and shoved the petal in his pocket.

“what happened?” hanbin asked, from where he sat across the table.

junhwe shook his head, “i coughed up a yellow petal. yesterday, i coughed up a pink one. it’s going backwards. i don’t know why.”

yunhyeong jumped up from his seat, “are you serious?”

“what?”

“you’re the one with the disease, and i know more than you? i thought you said your cousin had it, you should know what this means!”

he glared. “well i don’t. my cousin got the surgery. what is it.”

“ah. sorry.”

he waved his hand, “just tell me what it means, hyung, please.”

yunhyeong smiled, “when the colours go backwards, it means the person has started loving you back. you’re cured!”

junhwe froze in his spot, not looking at jinhwan sitting beside him.

he looked at chanwoo, who was looking at jinhwan, before he stood up. “uh,” he said, “wow. okay.”

and then he walked to his shared room, dropped down on his bed, and stared at the ceiling.

 

there was a knock on the door, and soft footsteps following it, making their way toward his bed.

“junhwe,” it was jinhwan.

“hey, hyung.”

jinhwan sat down, and junhwe moved over to sit up with him.

jinhwan was quiet as he said, “chanwoo...said i should see if you’re alright.”

he laughed, “chanwoo isn’t very subtle, is he?”

jinhwan didn’t laugh. he looked at junhwe, and junhwe felt like jinhwan could see into his soul. junhwan said, “so is it...is it true?”

“is what true?”

the elder sighed, “is it really me?”

“oh,” junhwe looked down to his hands, “yeah. it is.”

he saw jinhwan’s hands move up, until they were gripping junhwe’s face and forcing him to look back up. “i’m sorry, junhwe.”

“for what?” he felt himself tear up, and he didn’t even know why.

a tear rolled down his cheek, and jinhwan wiped it away, and he felt like a loser. jinhwan was supposed to be the cry baby, not him.

“i’m sorry for not realizing sooner. i’m sorry for not loving you from the start.”

he laughed, even as tears continued to fall down his face, and replied, “that’s not something you have to be sorry about, hyung. it’s not like you can control your feelings.”

jinhwan nodded, and a tear made its way down his cheek too. junhwe hated it, he didn’t want to be the reason jinhwan was crying.

“i love you now, at least,” jinhwan said with a genuine smile. junhwe returned it.

“what…” he whispered, “what does this make us?”

jinhwan dropped his hands from junhwe’s now-dry face, grabbing his hands instead. “i don’t know. what do you want?”

“i want to be with you.”

“okay,” jinhwan said with a smile, “well then, junhwe, is it okay if i kiss you?”

he nodded, and jinhwan pressed his lips to junhwe’s, and the only word junhwe could think of to describe it was  _ right. _ he cursed himself for being so cheesy, but he decided it was okay, because he was happy.

he was happy, and jinhwan was kissing him, and jinhwan was his  _ boyfriend _ , and he wasn’t sick, and for the time being, everything was going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading!!  
> constructive criticism welcome!!!  
> i know its not very good, i wrote it between the hours of 1-5 am and didnt reread it before posting i mostly just wrote it for funsies lolz  
> FUN FACT i spent at least 10 mins debating with myself whether or not i should kill junhwe but i decided since i killed a character in the last fic i wrote tht i'd keep him alive this time


End file.
